Reflection.

{ December 17, 2008 @ 2:15 pm } · { everyday life, singing }
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It’s  been a long time since I’ve written.  I’m finally done with the fall 2008 semester and have some time to catch up a little bit.

Reading through some of my past entries is like a blast from the past.  It’s amazing how much I’ve changed and grown over the years.  You can see how one chapter closed, another one opened, and now here I am again… with an empty canvas.

I’m in my senior year of college, about a year away from graduating (it’s taking me a bit longer than 4 years). I am dating the same guy I was dating a year ago now (Kyle) and still have the same jobs.  However, I feel I am just ready for change.  I’ve been looking for internships and new jobs, and I’m learning all I can about my future career.  I’ve been waiting for a break to happen; something to change.  Boy, did it come!

I’m in a band!  If you’ve read any of my past entries, you know that I’m a singer.  Whole-heartedly, I love singing with every bone of my body.  It is my dream; my escape.  I recently just met a cover band who was looking for a new female singer.  I auditioned, and the next day they wanted me to play their show with them.  Needless to say, I’m in!  It’s a dream come true, and I can’t wait to play shows and do what I love, not to mention get paid for doing so.  It’s going to be amazing.

I can’t believe how close I am to being done with school.  It’s a little scary, but I’m looking forward to a new chapter.  I really want to move out of Michigan and experience the rest of the country, even the rest of the world.  I have lived here my whole life and I’m just ready for something new.  I know that this is my home and I feel I’ll always end up back here, but I have to take the time to find who I am and experience all that this life has to offer.  I think now is the time I need to just be me; to do what I want and not answer to anyone.  To just be free and live the life I wanna live, without anyone holding me back.  I don’t know.  I think it’s more about finding myself; figuring out what I want and what I don’t.  Being who I am.  Discovering who I want to be.  I know I’ve grown up a lot in the past few years, but I know I have a lot more to go.

Kyle’s dad past away in October.  He was like a second father to me.  It has been very rough on him, me, and our relationship.  After reading all the comments I received on my entry “I miss my mom,” it made me think of him.  I know he’s up there in a better place, with my mom, and they’re watching over us; watching us grow and become who we are.  It just makes me realize life is a crazy circle, a neverending chain of events.  It’s funny that the only constant thing in life is change itself.

This is not a bitter or sad entry, rather a somewhat reflection of the past year.  It’s been hard work.  There’s been a lot of tears, a lot of love, and a lot of change.  At least I can say I’m prepared for a new year.  Bring it on!  Hope everyone has wonderful holidays :)

Random Facts.

{ July 1, 2008 @ 6:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I’m sitting here at work super-duper bored, so I’m making a list of random things about me.

Hereeeeeee goes!

1. My favorite food is chicken.  I could eat it for the rest of my life.

2. In fact, I just really love to eat.

3. I love romantic and or cheesy movies about life that make me cry.

4.  I REALLY want to travel.

5. I’m jealous of people who don’t really have to work and can travel where ever they want.

6. I couldn’t live without my phone.

7. I hate working.

8. If I could, I’d hitch-hike my ass around the country.

9. I love it when the sun is shining.

10. I like to help people and give advice when I can.

11. I’m a party girl.

12. I actually enjoy learning.

13. It makes me feel good when random people smile at me on the street.

14. I want to live in a BIG city.

15. But I would love to live on a farm too.

16. The one and only thing I want for Christmas this year is medical and dental insurance.

17. I wish our government didn’t suck so bad at so many things.

18. I think there should be more help for young people who are thrown out on their own.  Just because your 21 doesn’t mean you have enough money to support yourself.

19. I used to want to be a journalist, but I don’t think I’m that great of a writer.

20. My number one dream is and always has been to be a singer.

21. I really want to make friends from all over the world and go visit them.

22. I LOVE meeting new people.

23. Softball is my all time favorite sport, and I love watching baseball.

24. I’m kind of a tomboy, and very competitive.

25. I would have never made it through my teenage years without my friends and their parents.

26. I’ve had a lot of hard times but gained a lot of great experiences out of them.

…More to come later, I’m already bored with this…

Life; as of now.

{ April 21, 2008 @ 7:00 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I haven’t written in forever, and although I’m writing now, I still don’t feel I have much to say.  I’m not in a particularly good mood today and I’m not quite sure why.  After a LONG winter here in Michigan, it’s finally starting to become nice outside again.  And let me tell you, it is LONG overdue.  Usually nice weather puts me in a good mood.  Too bad I’m stuck in a dingy office in the poorly ventilated, no window-ed student center basement.  *sighs*

Not much has changed since I wrote last.  It’s almost the end of April, and the semester is coming to a close.  I have three exams this week, and I’m DONE.  I can’t wait.  I’m just really hoping I pass my math class.  I’m still dating Kyle.  I’m really close with his family and his dad just got diagnosed with leukemia.  It’s been really hard on him, his family, and even myself even though I don’t show it much.  Just another thing I don’t understand about life–why bad things happen to good people.  I haven’t talked to my dad in a long time; he really doesn’t make any effort to contact me or to be a father to me or my sister so I really don’t care to have much to do with him.  I know that sounds bad, but it’s a long story. 

Hmm, what else is new.  Oh.  I got another job at Hockeytown Cafe downtown.  I’m a hostess.  Working two jobs and going to school full time sucks.  Paying bills sucks even more.  Hah.  I actually like Hockeytown so far, the people are really cool.  I don’t really like working 10 hour days, though.  Opening day I worked 14 hours, and that sucked.  But I’m realllly glad baseball season has finally arrived!  GO TIGERS! (even though they haven’t been doing the best.)  Oh yeah, and the Red Wings are doing well too, which rocks. (even though it causes me to work more. lol)

Well yeah, other than all that, there really isn’t anything else going on.  My life has been pretty boring.  I’m looking forward to summer, though.  My 21st birthday is coming up!  Kyle and I are planning a vacation to Myrtle Beach, as well as some trips up north.  I’m playing co-ed softball for two teams.  I was going to take some classes this summer but I think it would end up being a waste of money, considering I probably would never really go.  hah.  I just need to get through this week and maybe my mood wouldn’t be so shitty.

That’s all for now I suppose. 

Nothing new, really.

{ March 13, 2008 @ 2:46 pm } · { everyday life }
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It’s definately been a while since I’ve written.  Life has been crazy busy and so much has changed in the past few months.  It’s crazy how that happens, isn’t it?  Well, I guess not too much is different, but at the same time it is.  Right now I’m on spring break.  I think it’s finally going to start getting warm out soon!  I’m so sick of the cold weather and snow!  It’s been a long winter that’s for sure.  There is only 2 months and 18 days until my 21st birthday and I am STOKED!  Today is actually my roomate’s 22nd birthday and we will be celebrating it tonight at our apartment with beer pong and jello shots.  Should be a good time!

I am kicking ass in school right now.  I have been doing really well.  I just need to get through these classes and get into all my major classes.  My major is now Public Relations and so far I have loved most of the classes in the curriculum. 

What is that you say? Relationships?  Ahhhhhh, those damn things.  lol!  Well, I have a boyfriend again.  His name is Kyle, and actually we dated back when we were 16; he was my first love.  We are back together and there has been a lot of drama along the way with ex’s and many other things, but I think that things have finally started to take a turn for the better.  We are working on our relationship day by day, and really, we do love each other very much.  We’ll see how it goes.  All I can do is go day to day and work on finishing school and making something of myself.  And hopefully, things work out with him.  As for Elly, he and I are still friends, although we really don’t talk anymore.  He re-enlisted for 3 more years, which I’m a little upset about.  I just wanted to see him experience life outside of the army, but apparently he’s not ready for that.  It’s funny how our breakup changed his entire future.  But I guess that’s life. 

Other than that, there isn’t too much that’s new.  I still work at school, but I also just got another job at Hockeytown Cafe downtown.  Opening day (for baseball!) is March 31st and I am sooo excited.  I have to work which kinda sucks, but it’s going to be insane and all the radio stations will be there (at Hockeytown) so it should be a good time. 

Well, I’m gonna go take a shower and what not.  Just wanted to update a little.   

2008-so far.

{ January 29, 2008 @ 8:11 am } · { everyday life }
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I haven’t written in a while.  A long while.  This post may not be very long due to some keyboard difficulties, but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to write about anything in a long time. 

 I guess it comes down to doing what you love.  And being with who you love.  I don’t think my future entails doing autopsies, or impressing someone else’s boss, or just doing something because someone is lending me the helping hand to do so. (I’ll explain later).  I think that I have realized if I want to get somewhere in life; if I really want something, then I have to do it myself; I have to do what it takes to get that particular thing.  I don’t think I’ve taken the time to just enjoy life in the past year.  I have never been one to say that.  I love everything about life; all the simple things–sunshine, the smell after it rains, a smile from a stranger, laughter with friends, BASEBALL, music, SINGING, writing, and-belive it or not-learning!  When I was little, I actually liked school.  Even though it’s a pain in the ass, I enjoy learning.  I will say that there are many bad things in our world-hate, war, poverty, greed (need I go on) and I learn that there are these things everyday.  Since college my mind has been extended more than I could have ever imagined, and it’s funny to me that I blocked so much out before.  But, beyond all the bad things, I’ve come to really appreciate all that I have; all the little and amazing things that I get to experience every single day of my life.  I’m just like any other normal American, really- in debt (wayyyy in debt) a broke college student trying to get a degree so she can eventually make her way out of debt (even though college is really what put her there), trying to decide the job she will do for the rest of her life (or at least the immediate future after college :p ) working (to support herself through college), maybe have a relationship (aren’t those always interesting), occasionally party with friends (good times), probably couldn’t live without the internet or a phone (I really couldn’t), and is really just trying to work her way through life. 

I can’t even get over how much I have grown as a person in the past year.  I mean, I know that it’s a new year now, but wow.  A year ago, on this exact day, I was a completely different person.  I like who I am now.  I think that I am really becoming comfortable with myself as a person.  I’m getting to know myself better and realizing that I can do what I want.  I can do what makes me happy.  And I only can make my dreams come true.

I think this summer I’m going to go and watch my dad play softball.  I haven’t done that in a long time.  My relationship with my dad hasn’t been good in a long time, but, for some reason, I just feel different lately.  I just think life is too short to waste time worrying about the past.  Live in the present, work on the future.  I think I’m going to look into singing more.  I know I really say that a lot and I really never do, but I’ve been thinking so much about it.  I haven’t sang in a while-and damn I miss it.  My major is Public Relations, and so far I really enjoy it.  It’s a little more broad than journalism.  This is my blog, and I just write freely.  I don’t really care how good it sounds.  It’s my thoughts and that is that.  I can write though, if I want to.  I can be good at it.  I’ve thought a lot about it, and there are lots of things I’m good at.  I just feel-so-motivated right now.  If only I could really keep this feeling.  This inspirational feeling that makes me realize that life is just too short to not do what you enjoy- to not give what you love your all.  You’ve only got one life to live so you better make it the best, and you better believe that I plan to start living again, full throttle. 

I don’t know if anyone has even read this in a while- but I’m sure those who have before may want to know a few updates.  So, here goes.

I’m dating a new guy named Kyle.  Well, he’s not exactly new, he was my first love.  But somehow life has brought us back together.  So far we’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but it’s a work in progress.  We’ll see how it goes.  I feel happy with the situation right now. 

As for Elly, he decided that he wanted me back.  It was just a little too late that he realized it.  He blew me off for long enough, and when he was finally coming back, it was just too late for me.  I had really let it go.  I was moving on.  I still care about him a great deal, and he taught me so much about life and has made me who I am today.  He definately played a huge part of my life, and even though he hates me now for not taking him back, I’m sure we’ll be friends at some point in the future, when we’re both comfortable with it.

School is good.  I still work at school.  I need a new job.  I have been volunteering at Henry Ford Hospital.  Kyle is an autopsy technician there.  I am trying to get a job in the hospital.  So far, it’s not looking good; but so far, I haven’t tried very hard.  Not a job doing autopsies, just any job in the hospital.  I need a better job. 

Other than all that, things are okay.  I feel good.  And I’m really happy that I am realizing what I need to do in life, and getting back down to earth with things.  It’s weird how you can just have these thoughts and changes in one night, isn’t it?  Ahhh, life.  :)  

The year is coming to an end.

{ December 20, 2007 @ 11:08 pm } · { everyday life }
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I can’t believe 2007 is almost over.  It has been such a crazy year.  I was looking back on some of my old entries and realizing how much I have grown since writing them.  I can’t believe how much of a selfish brat I was about not getting to talk to Elly while he was in Iraq.  It made me feel bad reading those entries.  I guess all I wanted to do was talk to him.  Deployments suck, and that’s really the only way you can put it.

I started this year out in a brand new relationship.  I was so happy and eager for the times to come and ready for whatever life was going to throw at me.  Boy, did it throw a lot.  This year really had its up’s and down’s. 

Looking back, I didn’t think I’d be where I am now.  I just finished off the fall semester.  I now have a new car (that my Grandma bought for me!), I have rekindled a flame with an old ex, Elly is wanting me back after he broke my heart, I have a direction in what I want to do for a career, I am more responsible than I ever was; all in all, I have come a long way. 

I am not really in the mood to type out a huge entry.  I am just REALLY bored at work and trying to pass the time.  I have been reading the book, P.S. I love you, and trying to finish it so I can see the movie sometime over this break.  It’s a good one! 

 Well I just got a phone call, I’ll write more later. 

Keep on truckin’

{ November 27, 2007 @ 5:53 pm } · { Elly, Iraq Deployment, everyday life }
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It’s been a while since I’ve written, and let me tell ya, a lot has changed. I’m in class right now so this isn’t going to be that long, but I’ll try my best to update!

I’ll start off with Elly.
It’s over. And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt that bad anymore. I can finally say that I am letting it go. I tried to just be friends with him for a while, but it wasn’t working for me. He acts like nothing even happened between us, and that just bugs me. It’s so easy for him to just forget about it all, but I can’t get over it. I would try just talking to him, but I’d end up irritated or upset that I was feeling more for him than he was for me. I know he cares for me, and that makes me happy. However, it’s just not enough. I begged him for a relationship and he just doesn’t want to work on one…so…that’s it.

The sad thing is Iraq has really changed him. I know this happens to many of the soldiers. I thought he was doing alright. I knew he had some issues from being there but I didn’t think they were that bad. Anyways, I’ve come to realize that he is really having a hard time with everything, which I think is a lot of the reason he broke up with me. The last few months he was there were awful; his conditions were really bad. I can not only tell that he is having issues–but he tells me himself. I feel really awful for him. I want to be there for him and help him all I can, but he just keeps to himself. He’s always been that way and he tells me he has his own ways of dealing with things, so I’ll let him be. For now I think it’s best that I stop talking to him all together because all I tend to do is start arguments with him because I am so frustrated with everything. He doesn’t need that, so it’s probably best to just leave him alone. He says he is still coming here in December on his leave, and I’m just not sure it’s in my best interest to see him. I really want to see him, but I think it would just hurt. We kind of got in an argument about that too, and well, I guess we’ll see if he still comes here or not. Either way, I know Iraq has changed him a lot. He is different than he was before and I know he’s seen things that I could never in my life imagine seeing. I just wish that I could help him, but it’s out of my hands. He’s apparently been talking to some other girl on myspace, and I was upset about it at first, but now I just don’t care. He can do what he wants. I’ll always care and love him no matter what. I just wish him the best and I hope that one day he can overcome his issues from being at war, because I can’t imagine what that would be like.

In any case, I know my relationship with him was a crazy experience. I learned so much from it. I was part of a military girlfriends/wives/fiances site and I wrote this as a post a while ago to the girls on the site and just thought I would share it:

I never in my life thought that I would ever become an army girlfriend–nor did I know what it entailed to be one. I met my army boy through the internet (which is something i had never done) while he was deployed. He came home last December, we met, and I knew I was in love. I have been waiting for him since he got sent back so quickly last January. Now here I am a month from when he’s supposed to be home, wondering what will become of him and I. I don’t know what will come of our relationship, but I know that I can’t look at the past year of my life with him as a waste of time. Being a military girlfriend taught me so many things that I never would have known. It made me a stronger person, a more aware person, and a better person for all that I have gone through and learned. Not only that, it brought me to MIG, and introduced me to some of the strongest girls I will ever know. It’s true; we all have our own stories and our own ways we got here, and even if I am never a military girlfriend again, I will never forget the experience or what it taught me. I am truly greatful for having loved a soldier and knowing I gave him my all.

You girls are amazing. Deployments are hard, shoot, being seperated from the one you love even if it’s only a few hours is hard. But you girls do it, and you do it with pride and strength. Even if I do end up leaving here at some point, I want you all to know that I look up to you girls. I never had ANY idea what a military girlfriend/fiance/wife went through, and I never would have known if it wasn’t for my experience. Thank you all for being there for me and showing that even when times get hard, there is always someone who knows what you’re going through and can help you out.

I just want to say thanks to all the military wives who have supported me through the entire deployment. Reading your comments always made me feel better and helped through some of the hardest times. Michelle and Charla, you girls are amazing. I love you girls. Honestly, any woman who can date a military man, I give ‘em credit. It’s hard.

Anyways, I’ve decided I’m moving on, and I feel happy for the first time in a while. I had an awesome Thanksgiving, and the semester is almost over! I have A LOT to do in the next few weeks, but I know I’ll get it done. I can’t wait for CHRISTMAS!! Best time of the year. I’m going to be going ice skating downtown and it’s going to be amazing. :) It’s crazy how fast time flies, and when I think back to this time last year, I never would have thought I’d be where I am now. But I guess that’s what makes life fun, right?

As for boys, I’m young, and I’m not worried about it right now. I’ve been on a few dates and I’ve had a good time. I’m just enjoying life and focusing on finishing school and planning the future. It really can’t get much better than this. :)

Hope everyone is doing great. Talk to yall soon!

A positive change.

{ November 12, 2007 @ 6:49 pm } · { Elly, everyday life }
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Well, I’m going to start with the assumption that Elly and I are not going to work out.  And well, it’s not really and assumption.  I pretty much just know.  He is finally home.  He got home on the third, and he ended up calling me that night.  We had talked for a few days after he got home, on the phone a little here and there and I was very hopeful that is would work out.  He seemed to want things to work between us, in fact he told me he did.  Now it is day five that I have heard nothing from him.

I can only fight for love for so long until it comes to the point where there is just nothing left you can do.  That is exactly the point I am at now. 

I’m still going through the heartbreak, but I have enough other things on my plate to worry about.  If it is meant to be, it will happen, and it’s out of my hands now. 

 I can’t believe it’s already the beginning of the holiday season!  This year has flown by.  Thinking back, I thought it would take forever to pass by, especially since Elly was gone.  It’s funny how much can really change in just one year.  I love the holidays; and I’m looking forward to pigging out on Thanksgiving!  Ashley and I were supposed to go down to North Carolina that weekend to visit the army boys, but I’m not sure that it’s going to happen anymore.  Elly is supposed to be coming to Detroit around December seventh or something like that too.  Who knows if I’ll see him.  I think it would be better for me if I didn’t. 

School and work are keeping me busy.  I’ve decided I’m going to try and get another job for the weekends even though I love having time off.  I really need the money because I am BROKE!  Especially with the holidays coming up.  Bills are never ending. 

You know, I’ve had a really rough year, in fact, a very rough past couple of weeks, but today I feel really positive.  I feel like I can get through whatever is going to get thrown at me.  I know in time my heart will heal.  I know I am so blessed, and I am thankful that I have so many people that love me and care about me.  And I actually feel somewhat motivated right now (which I haven’t felt in SOO long!). 

I need to get some homework done, and take care of a few other things, but I just wanted to give an update.  Hope everyone is having a good week : ) 

 OH and by the way!  I put a few new pictures on my Flickr.  I haven’t updated that thing in forever.  But it takes so long to upload just a few photos!  Anyways check ‘em out!  : )  

I keep changing my mind.

{ October 29, 2007 @ 11:05 pm } · { Elly, everyday life }
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Well, things have changed yet again.  I don’t know what is going on with the whole Elly thing…I haven’t heard from him since the day he called, last week.  I’ve decided I’m not going to just wait around anymore.  I’m slowly starting to let go of it all.  I got asked to go on a date today and I said yes.  I am not going to commit to anything or anyone, I’m just going to go out and have a good time.  It’s not fair to do that to myself; to keep waiting for him.  I guess I still plan to hang out with him when he comes to Detroit, but I doubt that he is really going to spend time with me like he said.  I guess I really can’t believe anything he says.  He is completely different than who I thought he was, and it makes me really sad.  I guess I can’t do anything to change it.  I’ve accepted the situation and I’m letting go. 

I’m starting to focus on things with my life, and making things better for me.  I was willing to try to work things out with Elly, but apparently he’s not.  I need to do what’s best for me. 

OHHH so some crazy news.  I got attacked by a dog last week!  It hurt sooooo bad.  I was just walking back to my car from school, and there is a fence I walk by everyday.  Well I’ve seen dogs there before so it was never an issue.  Well as I was walking home a dog came up barking, and I just ignored it because that is normal for a dog.  So I keep walking, and it starts to jump up on the fence.  I stopped because I got nervous, but decided to just keep walking as not to startle the dog.  I got to the end of the fence, and it jumped over and attacked me!  It bit my arm and my leg.  My arm is alright, my leg is reallllly bad.  I was in so much pain.  The bites still hurt a bit, but they are healing.  I’m not going to sue or anything, the owner was a really nice woman.  She took me to the  doctors and paid for everything, including my prescriptions.  The dog was all up to date on its shots too, so no worries there.  It was just crazy!  That is something you think will never happen to you.  And BAMMM outta nowhere a dog’s teeth sink into you.  lol. 

Anyways, last week was crazy, but things are looking up now.  I’m trying to stay positive.

The weekend was a blast.  I went to a bunch of Halloween parties.  It’s funny too, because my costume was an army girl.  HAHAH.  How ironic.  It is the only costume that fit me well though, so that’s why I got it. 

I’m writing really crappy right now.  LOL.

 Anyways, I just wanted to update.  I have some things to take care of and then I’m going homeeeee.

Hope everyone is doing good. 

Emotions taking me over!

{ October 22, 2007 @ 8:50 pm } · { Elly, Iraq Deployment, everyday life }
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This is going to have to be a quick update because I have to leave work here in a few.  But boyyyy do I have some news!

 It’s been a crazy few days.  Since Elly has broken up with me he has barely talked to me.  We’ve had a few conversations online and what not, but I haven’t received a phone call from him in like a month and a half.  HE FINALLY CALLED ME YESTERDAY!  To make things better, he told me that he misses me like crazy and that he thinks he made a mistake by breaking up with me.  I am really hoping that we are going to work things out.  He ended up calling me again yesterday too, so we talked TWICE.  He said he would call today but so far no call.  I am extremely nervous and anxious and I’m just hoping things will maybe work for us…

I’m nervous that this was just like a one time thing, that he won’t call again.  He is going to be home from Iraq in LESS THAN THREE WEEKS!!!  FOR GOOD!  I am so excited/giddy/happy/nervous/anxious!  I hope that once he gets home conversation will be more steady and normal.  He is going to get a month of leave and he told me that he is coming to Detroit and that he wants to spend time with me.  I’m nervous as all hell.  I love this man so much and I want things to work.  I’m glad he realized he was being stupid….

You know they say everything happens for a reason.

Anyways, it’s been crazy.  I have known things weren’t going to work out with Jake and decided to tell him last night.  That didn’t go too well.  He basically hates me.  I never meant to hurt him.  But I can’t help how I feel.  With or without Elly back in the picture, I just don’t think things were working with him.  And if things don’t work out with Elly, I am going to need some “me” time. 

I haven’t felt good all day but I just have this really weird feeling of like anxiousness/nervousness.  I’m sure it has to do with everything that is going on. 

I know it seems so sudden and out of nowhere but actually hearing Elly talk to me about it on the phone was a whole different story than just chatting online.  I could tell he was sad and that he missed me.  I am so happy that he is talking to me again.

Life has been crazy busy lately.  So much going on.  Very little time for anything.  Still trying to get stuff finished and set up in the apartment.  Trying to set up stuff for school in the future.  Basically just figuring out life. 

I feel a thousand different emotions right now. 

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