I miss my mom.March 7, 2007
I actually wrote this blog on myspace before I had another site. I felt I would put it on this one for anyone reading who wants to get to a feel for who I am in different ways other than living in Detroit or talking about Elly. There is so much about life and my views on life that I never really have had a chance to write about…and well, I feel this will show some people how I feel about certain things. I am not posting this for anyone to feel sorry for me. That is not my intention. Sometimes I like to read it and remember her. It makes me feel better at times. I wrote it June 26, 2006. Well, here it is:
I miss my mom.
I felt the need to write this to anyone who will read it. Actually, I just needed to write this for my own personal reasons. It is all probably going to come out in a big mumble-jumble mess, so I guess you can try and make sense of it if you’d like.
I miss my mom. I miss her terribly. This isn’t something that bothers me usually, it’s been almost 9 and a half years that she’s been gone now. I’ve learned to carry on just fine. I don’t get upset when people ask me about my mom, or when I have to tell them that she died. I always hear the “I’m so sorry to hear that’s”, and “I’m sorry I brought it up”. You know I am more than happy when someone brings her up! Sometimes I wish I could just sit and talk about her, tell about what a great woman she was. And you know I could, I could talk about her for hours, and I could tell you the stories I remember and the things I know about her or the stories I’ve heard and continue to hear on occasion. She was crazy. She was fun. She was loud. She was competitive. She was caring. She was strong. She was responsible. She was amazing. But most of all, she was my mom. No one can ever replace a mom. NO ONE. No one can take the place of someone who brought you into this world. I work at CVS, and I see mothers and daughters come in all the time. Whether it be the daughter is 40 years old and the mother 70, or the daughter 17 and the mother 40, or the daughter 6 and the mother 30’s, the relationship is something you cannot replace. I watch the mothers , take care of theri daughters, watch them joke around, watch them yell…it’s something I yearn for.
I am such a happy person. I am such a blessed person. I don’t take anything for granted because I know as soon as you can have something, you can lose something. I cherish and appreciate everything about my life and life in general. Life is too precious to not enjoy every day while you can.
I just miss having my mom come to my softball games and scream at the umpires when they make bad calls. I miss her laugh. I miss her loud mouth. And I know she would have embarrassed me to high hell if she was still here. And I know ALL of you would have loved her; that’s just the kind of person she was. I wish that I could just come home and talk to my mom, tell her all about my guy problems and my aspirations to be a singer. And I know she would help me try and reach my goals with all she could. I know things would have been a lot different with her here, a lot easier in fact.
I cannot complain, for I have the most amazing aunt and grandma. (which my aunt is my mom’s sister and my grandma my mom’s mom.) They help me through everything and support me all they can. In fact I am living in my grandma’s house, in the upstairs. It is actually where my mom and aunt shared a room when they were growing up. Funny, huh? I bet my mom never thought I’d be living in the same room she did.
It’s odd because lately I have heard alot of her. There is this man named Tony who comes into my work, and went to school with my mom. One day when he came in we got into talking, and somehow my mom got brought up. He said he had known her name, and since then he has asked other friends of his. He actually knows some of my mom’s close friends. We talked about her again today…Tony had told me he ran into this man named Nate Robertson or Robinson, couldn’t remember which, but this man Nate has brought up my mother to Tony. He said he went to highschool with Tony and her, and that my mom had beat him out in a softball game or something. I laughed because that sounds just like my mom, she was extremely competitve and beat the boys at everything. She was bossy and did things her way.
My friend Natalie let me borrow this book called “Lovely Bones”. So far it’s amazing, and I’ve even cried from reading it. In fact it is what made me start crying and thinking of my mom more. It’s about this young girl who gets killed and goes to heaven, and she gets to watch her family and friends continue on life without her. The way the book describes heaven is reall interesting, in fact, it’s pleasant, but at the same time it is sorrowful, because the one thing that she wants is to be on earth with her family and friends, but she cannot be there. It makes me wonder what my mom thinks, how she feels, if she’s really up there watching me continue my life without her. I wonder if she sees me cry and wishes she could be here. I wonder if she just wants to kick my dad’s ass for being an idiot, or if she wishes she could just talk to me about boys and the trials and tribulations of growing up and being a teenager.
Wondering doesn’t really do anybody any good anyways. It’s just all thoughts that cloud up your mind and toy with your emotions.
This is something that does bother me though. There are so many people that I know who do not appreciate their moms, or dads for that matter. Your parents. I know that no one is perfect and trust me on that, if you know my dad you would understand. But after everything my dad has put me through I still love my dad and would never give him up for anyone else. I wish more than anything that I could have my mom back. It hurts me when I hear people saying how they hate their moms because they got into a fight or because their mom may act psycho or maybe their mom just has problems. You need to understand that no one is here forever. Just imagine if your mom or dad died tomorrow. What would you do? It is so important to appreciate what you have and love what you got while it is still on this very earth, because once it’s gone chances are you aren’t going to see them again for a long time.
Please appreciate your mom and dad. It is hard to do I know. I have the same problem. But I promise you hanging out with them, or fighting with them, or laughing with them…it is all worth it. Spend time. Laugh. Live. Enjoy it while they are here.
I would do anything to see my mom one more time. Just to talk to her, just to touch her. But I know she is watching over me, taking care of me still. I feel her every day. I know she is there. But it’s hard. Really hard. I know I’ll see her again one day.
Sorry for all this rambling, and I’m sorry if I come off as a bit preachy. But i can’t help it.
PS: i just want to add one more thing. I love my little sister savannah more than anything, savvy if you read this i love you! and everything will work out fine i promise…im always here for you. and mom looks over you too, everyday and everynite.
oh and one more thing…
this was just something that i had to get out and something i wanted to write. please dont feel sorry for me…because i am doing ok. i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me because i am not that type of person. i just wantted to share something so people will understand where i am coming from and possibly learn from it.